I am reading and responding to headlines from the week, and headlines only. I respond to headlines without reading the articles, because having opinions about stuff without knowing anything about that stuff is the American way, and I am a goddamn patriot.
The headlines I choose are not too depressing or serious–this is part of my mental health self care, and if it makes a few other people giggle too then I have contributed something to the world today.
And so, without further ado…
From Jezebel: Godless Parents are Doing a Better Job.
My response: Damn right we are! Shiiit. Suck on that, God! To be fair, I did read and share this article the other day. But my response would be the same regardless. For real, though, this article is very satisfying for those of us who don’t buy into religion and are made to feel like our children can’t possibly have a sense of morality without Christianity (yes I know there are other religions, but I refer to Christianity here because it’s the dominant religion in our society, and the one most often pushed on us godless heathens). It’s not rocket science, but it’s nice to have what I already know confirmed: I DON’T NEED YOUR RELIGION TO RAISE GOOD PEOPLE. In fact, people without religion tend to be more tolerant, compassionate people and present a greater capacity for rational/critical thinking. Middle fingers to the sky.
From Slate: Algebra II Drives Dropout Rates and is Mostly Useless. Here’s a plan for getting rid of it.
My response: Algebra II was the last math class I ever took. I remember zero of it, so I concur that it is useless. Here’s what my plan for getting rid of it would look like:
Step 1: Cross out “Algebra II” on each student’s schedule. Draw a picture of a penis instead. That will make everyone laugh! And laughter is healing, everyone knows that.
Step 2: I mean, that should take care of it I think.
From Pitchfork: Snoop Dogg Pulls Gun on “Fucking Clown” Trump in new “Lavender” Video: Watch.
My response: Well, I will be watching this with great glee when my kids go to bed tonight. Also, I thought he was Snoop Lion now. It’s so hard to keep up with his identity changes.
From The New Republic: Republicans Should Fear What Democrats Will Do When They Return to Power.
My response: Shit yeah! My personal hopes:
All the Trumps will be deported after the shocking discovery that they are actually Kenyan.
Mike Pence will be court ordered to become a gay wedding planner.
Since Paul Ryan is such a huge Rage Against the Machine fan,* his new job will be having all the people he robbed of their healthcare (it will be a different group of 25 people a day, so this should take him until the end of his life) screaming “FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME” in his face while Zach De La Rocha and Tom Morello point and laugh. He will have no healthcare.
Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions will be locked in a room full of black and brown people, and those people will just smile politely at them. No words will be spoken, they will just watch them with smiles on their black and brown faces, while two racist pieces of garbage sweat. All day every day. The smiling people will be paid handsomely for their service of course, and will receive excellent health benefits.
Betsy DeVos will be housed in a public school full of (gross) teachers and (double gross) public school students. She will not be required to teach because she is so vastly unqualified, but she will be required to complete grades 1-12, Billy Madison-style, because she needs a fucking education.
KellyAnne Conway and Sean Spicer will be assigned to work duty. They will be building a border wall. The wall will be a border between KellyAnne Conway, Sean Spicer and… all other humans. Mexico will offer to pay for this wall due to the tremendous humanitarian service it will provide to citizens of all nations.
From The A.V. Club: Hanson announces 25th anniversary tour as your death rapidly approaches.
My response: mmmmmm. bop? Also, who the fuck buys tickets for this tour? Also, we will be dead soon.
From The Huffington Post: This state is considering sending cops to homes to verify voter registration.
My response: Well that’s sure to go well. (Also: FUCK OFF.)
From The A.V. Club: Arnold Schwarzenegger may return in 2018 as The Senator.
My response: I lived in Los Angeles back when we elected Arnie to be the governator of California. It was so embarrassing to me at the time that we had essentially elected someone based solely on their celebrity status (and a republican at that). Now I’m like, “George W. Bush? I love that guy!” (See two headlines down for more context on this topic.) So, Arnold Schwarzenegger now seeming to me like a decent guy is just par for the course these days I guess.
From Forbes: 83% Of America’s Top High School Science Students Are The Children Of Immigrants.
My response: Well, there goes Forbes again. Fucking left-wing propaganda. Sure, Forbes, 83% of America’s top high school science students are the children of immigrants. But they’re also rapists, Forbes. They’re murderers, Forbes. They are bad hombres, Forbes. And you know what, Forbes? Those children of immigrants are stealing not only my job but now they’re stealing 83% of the top spots for high school science students and making real American kids look bad. What does that leave, like 42% or some shit for my dumb slacker white kids? I don’t know, the immigrants’ kids stole my ability to learn math by learning it better than me.
From The Washington Post: George W. Bush paints dark picture of America under Trump: ‘I don’t like the racism.’
My response: Dubya! I would sure love to hear him take responsibility for all the terrible shit he caused. I feel I must make myself absolutely clear about this: George W. Bush and his cronies caused HELL ON EARTH. People in the middle east are still suffering as a result, and that doesn’t even begin to address the thousands and thousands of people who died in unnecessary and unjust wars that man started.
And now that I’ve said that… do you know what he does with his spare time now? He paints. And I just now realized that this headline uses the word “paints.” That had to be intentional, right? Or maybe it’s literal! Maybe he painted an actual dark painting of America under Trump. I don’t know! I haven’t read the article!
Anywaze, Dubya paints portraits of wounded vets (not sure whether he recognizes that many of them are probably wounded as a result of his war-mongering administration, but still)! That’s what he does now. And have you seen the photos of him snuggling with Michelle Obama? Remember how he basically got elected because people wanted to have beers with him? I WANT TO HAVE BEERS WITH DUBYA SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I am not kidding. Seriously, the more I think about it the more I want to try to petition him to have beers with me. I won’t go easy on him, I just need to talk to that guy right now. I don’t know how to feel about this.
From Esquire: Why Was Steve Bannon’s Hot Tub Allegedly Filled with Acid?
My response: Guys, this seems pretty obvious to me. In order to maintain the barely-believable facade of a human form, Steve Bannon (or Y25B01V on his home planet) has to remove his hard outer shell by soaking in a tub of acid on a nightly basis. The reason he looks so haggard in all his photographs is because the shell is in a constant state of regrowth. He has an acid spritzer bottle for touch-ups throughout the day.
The other possibility is that he is dissolving bodies. Breaking Bad style. I would say these are equally likely scenarios.
*Here’s Tom Morello’s take on Paul Ryan being a fan of RATM. This is seriously one of my favorite articles ever written. Tom Morello: “Paul Ryan is the embodiment of the machine our music rages against.”
Thanks for reading!