I’m still procrastinating on a post I’ve been trying to write about gender so I’m doing a headline post because it’s more fun and I’m a goddamn grown-up and I do what I want. The deal with this is that I read headlines and respond to them without reading the articles. Because having opinions about stuff I don’t know about is the American way! Also, I’ve been working on this for a while now so some of the headlines are over a week old by now. Deal with it. Here I go trying to find some humor in the dark world we currently live in…
From Slate: Why Can’t Trump or Spicer Give a Straight Answer About Hate Crimes? Here Are Four Theories.
My response: Theories? We need theories about this? OK, I’ve got some theories.
1.) Because they are racist, homophobic, transphobic, ethnocentric, misogynistic dick bags.
2.) Because they have a policy against giving straight answers about anything.
3) Because they don’t understand the words in anyone’s questions.
4.) Because they have dicks for brains.
From The Atlantic: Mike Pence Refuses to Be Alone with Women–Just Like Many Other Religious Conservatives.
My response: A couple thoughts on this:
a) Mike Pence is a fucking sexist puritanical idiot and I would like to hurt his body with my fists. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to be alone with women, because he knows most of us want to cause him bodily harm?
b) I assume this doesn’t include his wife, which is unfortunate for her.
From The A.V. Club: Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman to Host Crafting Competition on NBC.
My response: Well thank the good lord above (I’m obviously talking about Zeus) for this good news. Of course I am thinking of them as Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson, and as those characters I am trying to imagine what each of their crafting projects would be: I’m pretty sure they would both be breakfast food-themed. Leslie’s would probably be a scrapbook of her favorite waffles and Ron’s would definitely be a table constructed entirely of bacon.
From Goliath: 15 Movies You Didn’t Know Were Actually Sequels.
My response: Well, I haven’t read the article but I will help you out by making a list of 15 of my favorite movies that you probably didn’t know were sequels. You’re welcome.
1.) Ghostbusters 2
2.) Toy Story 2
3.) Back to the Future 2
4.) Hot Shots! part deux (deux means 2 in French guys. I know most of you didn’t know that’s what this meant, but part deux means part 2, which is another way of saying it’s a sequel. These movie studios, man. Always trying to get stuff past us.)
5.) Cars 2
6.) The Godfather II (now here’s another subtle example. You see, “II” is a roman numeral which means 2. And again, the number 2 is often a way of signaling a sequel. Sneaky, huh?)
7.) The Karate Kid 2
8.) Gone With the Wind 2: Gone With the Wind Again
9.) Citizen Kane, part deux (see #4)
10.) Gilbert Grape Got Ate
11.) Crash 2: It’s Still Trite
12.) This Time We’re Fully-Baked
13.) Snow White II, Revenge of the Dwarves
14.) Annie Hall 2: With Scarlett Johanssen instead of an age-appropriate love-interest!*
15.) Fried Green Tomatoes 2: Hey, They’re Lesbians! Did You Pick Up On That the First Time? Me Neither!
From Yahoo: Man Gets ‘Pantsed’ by Fence While Trying to Escape During Alleged Burglary.
My response: I just can’t tell you how much I love this headline and the accompanying photo (the featured image of this post). Lately the world feels so overwhelmingly dark, and in times like these I think we all need to see a man upside down, attached to a fence that has just pantsed him, in what has to be one of the biggest burglary fails ever. I would like to write this man a letter to express my gratitude for the joy he has brought me. And I haven’t even read the story!
From The New York Times: Trump Defends Embattled O’Reilly as a ‘Good Person.’
My response: No shit? You mean our sex offender president is making excuses for another sex offending piece of shit garbage-faced asshole? Bill O’Reilly also recently made an incredibly racist comment about Maxine Waters’ hair, claiming that he wasn’t even paying attention to what she said because of her “James Brown wig.” I really hope he dies soon. Seriously. I will celebrate when that happens.
FUUUUUUCK Bill O’Reilly.
From The New York Times: (op-ed) My Most Unpopular Idea: Be Nice to Trump Voters.
My response: People keep trying to make this argument, and after mulling it over for a while now, my analysis is as follows: Nope. Nope. Fucking nope. Stop telling me I’m the one who needs to be “nice” to people. I AM nice to people. I express my “niceness” by giving a shit about people’s basic human rights and dignity and doing my best to stand up for said basic human rights and dignity. Trump voters are not nice to people. Fuck off.
From Teen Vogue: Pepsi Ad Starring Kendall Jenner Receives Backlash from Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Daughter Bernice.
My response: What’s the big deal everybody?? Just because Kendall Jenner, a member of a family kind of known for cultural appropriation, is cast as a light-skinned peace maker between protestors and cops, and she makes this peace by giving a police officer a Pepsi, thereby both co-opting and corporatizing some very real protest movements of our time (most notably Black Lives Matter), you’re all upset?? Gosh, can’t we all just relax and enjoy some Pepsi together? You’re telling me that just because this ad belittles actual movements, just because it chillingly almost recreated the photo of Ieshia Evans standing up to police officers in full riot gear after the unjust shooting of Alton Sterling, people are unhappy about it?? (see article below for context and both photos.) People are so sensitive.
Like for real though: Have you guys seen this shit?? It’s hard to imagine a more tone-deaf ad. But keep the faith because someone will imagine and create one! Before you know it we’ll be discussing some other super offensive shit!
From Sounder at Heart: The Secret to Sounders’ Goal Keeper’s Success.
My response: Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but the secret to our goal keeper’s success is….
*I know many people in very healthy, happy relationships with a large age difference. I don’t have a problem with age differences per se, just Woody Allen and his creepy affinity for very young women.
Welp, I think that’s all I got right now. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING. I LOVE YOU.